...i miss you...

Currently listening to: Gwen Stefani - 4 in the Morning


Huff.
Been feeling extremely, annoyingly cranky this past few days.
Uhm. Sorry for that. Really. My mood's been out of control, for real. A boy's time of the month, I guess. Don't know for sure about that. *sighs*

Anyhow.
For a certain somebody out there, you know who you are. And I hope you're reading this.

I took my time browsing through some of the oldest messages I still kept in my Friendster inbox the other day. And I found yours. Your messages. So many of them, some of which dated back to 2004, still stacked neatly, intact, at the far back corner. While in fact you have been there longer. Very much longer. Messing around with that aching chunk of my heart you once stole and won't ever give back.

I sometimes wonder why destiny seemed to have found a HUGE interest to put somekind of a heartless joke upon us and decided to twist us around so violently with His well-trained hands. How your life, and mine, could intersect and move away so many times without being able to ever meet at one point where everything is okay. Really.

I wonder why I still bother to hold on.
Why I still don't know how to stop, listen, and move on with my life.
Why I still feel like you're part of my life, even down here, distanced from everything else.

And why, oh why on earth do I still remember eveything about you..?

All of them. Your smiles, your hugs, your laughs, your cries, your kiss...
Even the way you smell, the oh-so familiar scent still lingering in the air everytime I look back and remind myself of your presence, of how we were once so happy, so... perfect...

It hurts just thinking about you, you know. Even though this is getting addictive and I don't know how to stop this, I keep craving for more.

And now, in the end, you can only say that you've been busy.

I once discussed with Mia that life is like playing in an endless children playground. You find an interesting ride, you get on them, you laugh, you fall, you cry, you get bruises, and those bruises will heal, slowly. You put patches on them and get back playing, finding friends along the way and starting to mingle with them. There are times when you fall again, get bruised again; maybe you accidentally rip open the old healing wounds that they start to bleed again or fall harder that the cuts are deeper, then you have to put patches on them once more and let them heal. As time goes by, you start to learn to play on the safer side, to avoid yourself from falling down and creating new wounds. The scars will disappear, but sometimes bits of them will remain aching, to remind you of what you will get when you mess around and get careless.

Sometimes I can't help regretting the way my playground life has shaped me. How I have gotten myself bruised so badly in places that it is impossible to get them all healed up.
Can't do that. I know, I know.
I just wish I knew why.


"...But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot..
And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
I give you everything that I am
I'm handing over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right..."


..I miss you.