...please make me feel complete...

Been experiencing a raging storm of mixed feelings these past few days.
Was happy, was angry, was mellow, was thankful, and worst of all I was also extremely pissed and lonely.

For me, life is like riding a rollercoaster.
Sometimes you yell, sometimes you scream. Sometimes you feel like you're on top on the world that you just wanna raise your hands and shout out to everybody about how happy and contented you are. There are times when you feel like an excited , wide-eyed child whose world is all about enjoying this ride with all its ups and downs. As naive and foolish as it may seem, you are actually happy this way. And sometimes you wish you could just stay that way, as playful as that child, forever.

Yet, there is a glimpse of sorrow lurking somewhere in the shadows; scary lowdowns, terrifying twists and sharp turns that gives one of those painful jolts to your heart, waking you up, slamming you back to reality. Times when even that child will cry, and shriek, and call out for company 'cuz he's too scared to bear continuing the ride alone.

I was slammed down. Hard. Face down, hitting the ground with a bang.
Realizing how pathetic, how gloomy, how indefinite, how insecure everything in front of me is going to be. I have nothing to hold on to. Abstractness, denial, everything falls into place and stops me dead.

I'm so sick of smiling empty smiles. Of nodding careless nods. Of laughing empty laughs. Of staring hollow stares. Of crying meaningless tears.
I want something real. Something honest. Something blatant and sweet, for me to share with the rest of the world, without fear.

I'm tired of living this painful lie.
I wish I could just scream. And shout. Like that happy little boy on the rollercoaster, who does nothing else than being honest to himself. And to everybody else that hears.

That's my wild thought for today.
Have a good night.