...pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere...

Currently listening to: Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

.wheredoallthelonelypeoplego?.

Main Street, Sovereign Hill, Ballarat, Dec 2009

It has been slightly more than three days now since my arrival back in town.

The food is good, the sun's still scorching hot, and the town has received a fair share of rainy days during these past couple of days. I love it when it rains in the morning; there is nothing more serene than having the calming, fragrant scent of rain-washed grass caressing my nostrils ever so gently when I wake up.

The traffic is crazy in this town; motorcycles always get in your way when you drive, that's just how it is up here. I can't go anywhere without some form of personal transportation, and I always have to go through a long-ass argument with Dad whenever I need to use the car. The city council builds new highways and roads every other day, creating even worse traffic disruptions all around town. Everything is dead cheap but my allowance is limited, since both my credit and debit cards are no longer active, and my personal bank account was closed a long time ago. Freedom is a luxury; everything around me is too organized, too bland, too predictable.

Apparently here I'm always either too fat or too skinny.

My skin is always too light, or too dark.

My face is always too round, my cheeks too chubby, my complexion too pimply.

My hair is always too brown, or too short, or just plain ugly.

My clothes never look presentable. My shoes are not sleek and hip. I don't have my perfume collection with me and I feel like I constantly smell like hell since my body always chooses to perspire liberally whenever I'm here. People stare at me when I go out with a tote bag dangling on my right shoulder and my favorite rainbow-colored wristbands strapped around my right hand. I can never wear slip-on shoes along with a pair of check-patterned shorts without Mom telling me how ridiculous I look.

Everything has to be "normal", everything has to look "common", and "safe", and "regular", nothing out of the ordinary.

Everything has to look just like how everything else looks.

Apparently, the society thinks I'm never gonna be able to keep up with the ups and downs of its fast-paced lifestyle. That I will never be good enough to jump in, never worthy enough to be allowed a space inside its superficial, beauty-worshiping bandwagon.

So I don't look like one of those good-looking, big-eyed, olive-skinned, speech-impaired halfies whose only specialty is parading around looking impossibly pristine, one after another, overcrowding my TV screen all day long. I don't go around town attending every single high society gathering there is, aiming to "accidentally" spill my champagne into the shirt and/or dress of any given celebrity in the hopes of guaranteeing a spot in one of those countless morning gossip shows. I'm not the offspring of some rich businessman who spends his day dumbing out, living a glamorous lifestyle straight out of a Gossip Girl episode. I don't have a sports car, I don't live in a three-storey, multi-hectare house. I'm as ordinary as you can possibly get, probably with the addition of a top-quality koi fish or two in tow.

And that is exactly why I don't fit in.

Just because I don't give a rat's ass about my weight, or my disastrous fashion sense, or the well-being of my ever-darkening skin. Just because I don't speak your language nearly as much as you would ideally like me to. Just because I don't make such a big fuss about relationships and marriage. Just because I'm not obsessively fixated on finding a soulmate to the point of being desperate and pathetic like everybody else. Just because I don't care about what's been happening around here when I was gone; all the drama, the backstabbing, the endless bouts of paranoia. Just because I choose to not judge people by how they look, what kind of shoes they wear, what bags they carry, or how many lush cars they own. Just because I don't even make an effort to try to conform to the standards you have set and tick your boxes. Do all these things give you the right to judge me back?

By "you", I don't mean you. Or you. Or you. I just mean people in general. Or not.

Your call.

I guess I'm just gonna have to shut up and deal with it.

I want this holiday to be a happy, enjoyable one. I don't need all this.

How I wish all the good food I've been scoffing down my throat could somehow make up for all the negative energy I've been taking in. But there will eventually be a time when ignorance alone won't be enough. And I'm not sure if I'm ready.

*sighs*

Let's see.