...i'm only human and that's my saving grace...

Currently listening to: Halo - Bethany Joy Galeotti

.soar.

GA717, MEL-CGK, February 2010

Do you remember the last time you felt free, wild, unrestrained, like a bright-eyed child excited to see the world?

You know, that sudden burst of excitement that sweeps over you without warning, ever so abruptly, stopping you in your tracks, numbing your senses. The profound realization that you're in for one hell of a ride, and that you should expect nothing but surprises and more surprises along the way. You know you're scared as hell, but you're far too eager to keep going that chickening out is completely irrelevant. All you wanna do is get out there and move forward, because you're young and free - your dreams fresh and brave, and all the secrets of world is at your feet, waiting to be discovered, witnessed through a pair of sparkling innocent eyes.

I used to know how that felt like, a long time ago.

During a time when dressing up meant putting on my uniform. When my sole life-defining mission was to get top marks in class. When the idea of having a great time strictly involved food parties at some fast-food joint, other kids singing "Happy Birthday" at the top of their - or should I say our - tiny lungs, and a cake - somehow there was always a cake. When the words "I like you" still meant "Let's be friends!" and not "Let's bunk together and do kinky things we'll probably regret tomorrow morning". And when the only possible cause for my personal end-of-days scenario was a big fat red FAIL scribbled across my report card.

The seemingly-endless race for academic excellence, one level after another, was all I ever knew; I had no idea who I wanted to be in the future, nor did I even care. The remote possibility of having to grow up and leave this jungle of limitless fun was ridiculous to the point of being completely unthinkable. I thought there was absolutely no need for me to grow up if this version of the world could linger forever. Little did I know that this childish notion hadn't even the slightest chance to prevail in real life.

My inner social circle was made up of myself and two other amazing kids. One was a talented albeit mischievous basketball-jock-to-be whom I had been friends with ever since he was born, the other a tomboy, curly-haired, guitar-strumming girl with a smile as bright as the afternoon sun. My weekdays with them consisted of comparing lunch boxes and copying each other's homeworks, my weekends of PlayStation matches, pulling pranks on the jock-to-be's twin brothers, and catching tadpoles at a nearby drainage channel. Then we grew a little older, and our definition of weekend fun grew up along with us; the PlayStation games and tadpole-hunting soon got old, so we turned to street basketball and evening guitar sessions instead.

Nothing else mattered to us back then. Life was good as long as we had each other. Though the sun might go down and yet another week would lurk round the corner, eager to bring us down, we knew we would still be here next week, and the week after, and the week after that, passing our ball and playing our songs and singing our tunes like there was no tomorrow.

Just now I browsed through our collection of old photos, and it was then that I finally realized just how genuinely happy we were, with our cheeky grins, our sweaty foreheads, and our mud-stained T-shirts, all blurring into one.

When you're a kid, you don't know what lies ahead of you. And neither should you, for innocence is precious only because it cannot be preserved. There's no turning back once you start thinking things over and stop being indifferent towards the rest of your life. When you let go of the blissful ignorance of youth, you let that happy kid in you go along with it. And trust me, you're gonna spend your days after that desperately wanting to get it back, but you can't.

Because reality bites you, HARD, until you bleed with regret.

The memory of having that kind of exhilarant, mind-blowing feeling flashes by but doesn't stay with me now. The innocence is long gone, with constant suspicion and endless doubt now taking its place. And I'm left feeling... disconnected.

I had a great childhood, that I can't deny.

These photos serve as a vivid reminder of that.

I just wished those sparkling pair of innocent eyes that once framed my universe could somehow come back and help me see things clearly, once again.

Remind me how it feels like to be young, and wild, and free.

'Cuz right now, I'm finding it hard to remember.