.suburbia.
12 Panorama St, April 2009
I wanna be like Peyton Sawyer.
I wanna be able to draw like she does. I wanna know what she thinks of life, and of the people around her, her perceived mortal enemies. I want her extensive music collection. I want her outrageous, edgy fashion sense. I want her obnoxious attitude. I want her freedom, her world, her personal realm of calm, undisturbed solitude.
I wanna know how it feels like to love something, or someone, with a passion, like her love for art, and music, and her mother, and Brooke, and Lucas. I wanna know how she can somehow manage to be so protective of her own feelings, how she closely guards her heart, choosing to observe others from a safe distance instead of jumping headfirst into her own pool of endless insecurities and letting herself go.
I wanna know how it's like to be convinced to believe, stubbornly, that at the end of the day, everyone in my life will always leave, no matter how hard I try to keep them close. And how it's just plain useless to open my heart and let them in, because just when I'm sure that they're gonna stay by my side forever, they'll always pack their bags and disappear, leaving me behind with a space lesser than what it used to be.
"People always leave", she says. I wanna believe that with all my heart.
Sometimes I wish I could be just a little tougher, a little more obstinate in my ways, so as to be able to grasp, and rightfully appreciate, this beautiful, intricate complexity.
Heaven knows I'm not ready just yet.
I wanna know where the source of her impeccable emotional strength lies. I want her independence. I want her reasons. I want her unchallenged certainty, her sadness, her personal philosophies. I wanna witness her happiness. I wanna share her sorrows. I wanna understand just how difficult it is to stay whole, unbroken, when everything in my life turn their backs on me and walk away.
I wanna know how it's like to be so delicate, so fragile, yet unbreakable at the same time.
I wanna have a Lucas Scott by my side; someone I can fully trust, someone who's always willing to share my burdens and help me believe, unconditionally.
I wanna have a Brooke Davis, too; a best friend who's equally complex, if not more. Someone who curses but never judges, who pushes but never suffocates. Someone close who always has my back no matter what, even in the darkest, most uncertain of times.
I think Peyton Sawyer is one hell of a lucky girl. She may think she's a loner, a hopeless drifter, yet she's surrounded by a bunch of good people, those who think the world of her. She just doesn't know that, and so she never begs for love, for pity, for a tiny trace of thorough, undivided attention. She locks her heart up and keeps the key to that vault in a safe place, buried deep within her many layers of optimism and pseudo-confidence.
How I dearly wish I could do the same with mine, somehow.
How I dearly wish I could do the same with mine, somehow.
She has everything I don't. She knows everything I know nothing of.
She has the kind of unbeatable strength I can't even force myself to muster.
I wanna be like Peyton Sawyer. I wanna possess both the softness of a rabbit and the hardiness of an eagle, just like her.
I wanna guard my heart and keep it intact, unbroken, whole.
So when people leave - and they always do, I'll know how to cheer the fuck up and not linger on.
Help me find my way back, Peyton.
I've learned a lot from you, though you're not even real.
Maybe I'm delusional after all.
Or maybe I've just been watching One Tree Hill a little too much.
Whatever.
Or maybe I've just been watching One Tree Hill a little too much.
Whatever.
*Artwork courtesy of One Tree Hill and The CW. No copyright infringement intended.
"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good and some are good struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world - six billion souls. And sometimes all you need is one."
- Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer, One Tree Hill
- Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer, One Tree Hill
5 comments:
blogwalking..
I've never watched One Tree Hill but to be able to connect to a character in a way or two.. I bet that feels good..!
Well, as long as it comes with the right portion though. :P
if your life was ever made to a movie, someone somewhere would be thinking "sometimes i wish i was Jesse" (:
Really neat, your other writing also... Too much of OTH ain't good though
blogwalking.
really liked your post.
I was a big fan of Peyton too, so totally get what you're writing here :)
Stumbled on this today and made me smile. I liked Peyton too, a little too much at one point ;)
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