...but i won't let melancholy play me for a fool...

Currently listening to: Kindly Unspoken - Kate Voegele

.rewind.

Flinders St, Melbourne, May 2010

I want love.

I want peace.

I want unlimited personal freedom.

I want more time to settle things down and calm my emotional storm.

I want new shoes.

I want this season's check-patterned scarves.

I want a new wallet.

I want a fresh, empty wall to vandalize 'cuz I think my current wall art is slowly falling apart.

And while we're on the subject, I think I'm gonna need to get a new pack of Blu-Tac, stat. Preferably of the extra-strength variety this time.

I wanna be free of potentially-catastrophic financial troubles, like the one I'm facing right now.

I wanna be more careful in handling money.

I wanna start earning my own income as soon as possible so my parents will no longer have the authority to terrorize my spending.

I wanna get a job. Like a real job, with real responsibilities, a real office cubicle, real work-related stress, and real backstabbing colleagues, even.

I wanna stop being sarcastic and cynical about my surroundings.

I wanna be able to smile and laugh - sincerely - again.

I wanna believe that destiny isn't here to mess with my life and make me squirm in despair.

I wanna convince myself that there's light at the end of the tunnel, and that I shouldn't worry because everything has already been provided for me; I just need to make an effort to go and get what I want because everything has to be earned, not taken for granted.

I wanna fully understand what the title of this post really means - I gotta stop letting my unstable emotions take the wheel and make decisions for me.

I have to step up and be rational. Because I know that bitterness won't do me any good.

I have to get real. I have to move on. I have to lighten up.

I miss the old me. That dreamy little boy with glittering stars in his eyes. I miss my outrageous, impossible dreams. I miss my hearty laughs and optimistic, almost foolish dispositions. All the crazy nonsensical things my childish imagination used to believe in; superheroes, happy fairytale endings, friendships, rainbow bridges, pots of gold, and floating cotton candy clouds... I miss all of those things.

If only I had the power to turn back the hands of time, so I could rectify the mistakes I did and relive all the good memories of my childhood; I have to show myself, somehow, what it means to let go of my inhibitions and just soar, free as a bird...

Maybe I just want my old self back after all. As stupid and predictable as it may sound.

Although it is much easier said than done.

Funny how life has its ways to pin you down and screw you over.

Just when you thought everything was gonna be okay...

Dang. I really should snap out of it and find a job, before I drive myself up the wall.