Wednesday, March 31, 2010 many times do i have to dream i could be there?...

SQ218, July 2009

So this is how freedom feels like.

No expectations, no regrets.
Nothing to keep me from going, from letting loose.

I used to convince myself that I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. That conforming to whatever the others believed in was my only key to universal acceptance. I used to turn a blind eye to subjective opinions and stay firm in acknowledging that being perpetually nice was the norm, and that passing pointed judgments about others could be rightfully justified for everyone but me simply because I wasn't good enough to be allowed otherwise.

How foolish I was to believe that my saving grace rested on the warm comforts of my socials. This is far, too far from the truth. My eyes were blinded, my ears tight shut; I was oblivious to the central essence of it all because my soul was lonely and I ever wanted was company.

I have realized that everything was but a giant fucking mistake.

Now the heavy, rusting chains around my feet, made of unending demands and bottled-up rage, can no longer drag me down. My soul has been liberated. And damn, this feels good.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. No more compromising, no more endless dispositions.

It's time for me to soar. It's time for my dreams to bloom, like the pretty flowers of spring.

I have let myself fly, away, higher than the sky.

And once I've crossed over, past that mystical, colorful arc with its glittering pots of gold, I promise will never look back.

So don't miss me.
'Cuz I sure as hell won't waste my time trying to miss you.

So this is how freedom feels like.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

...L-O-V-E's just another word i never learned to pronounce...

Currently listening to: Starstrukk - 3OH!3 ft. Katy Perry

Personal Wall Art, Feb 2010

So much for 21st-century virtual narcissism.

For future reference, in case there ever comes a glorious day when yours truly decides to bring out his inner Severus Snape and declare war on all things bright and beautiful - which, depending on yet-to-be-determined circumstances may or may not happen - kindly take note that the following things, when prescribed at precisely the right amount, can take my sorrows away and make me happy as a clam:

* Cold early mornings, just when the fog rolls in sweetly, white and fluffy like cotton candy;

* Stepping on half-frozen grass during balmy winter days, taking in that captivating smell of withered leaves, humid soil, and traces of dew while doing so;

* Fancy wall calendars and/or Post-it notes;

* Unique, flaming, flamboyant stationery items *wink wink*;

* Two words: Penguin Classics;

* Boarding Metro trains that are empty and clean. I find smelly, alcohol-bottle-littered trains downright appalling;

* Spur-of-the-moment midnight trips with the usuals;

* Newspaper comic strips - Calvin & Hobbes and good ol' Dilbert cracks me up every time;

* Rainy days. Rainy nights. Maybe just rain in general, being the chronic hopeless romantic that I am;

* Late night MSN sessions with geographically-dispersed friends;

* Mr. Buble, Ms. Spears, and the massively talented Corr family;

* Mr. Mraz's witty, well-versed song lyrics *nudges Unee*;

* My uber-handsome redcap oranda, Oscar *nudges Edina*;

* Trips to quiet beaches in summer - with a pair of decent sunnies, beach shorts, sandwiches, a frisbee, and a good book;

* Blogwalking - as well as discovering good blogs and making new blog buddies along the way, of course *grins*;

* Midnight trips to Maccas with the neighbors and/or housemates;

* Collecting boarding passes;

* Singapore Airlines flights & their flawless KrisWorld;

* Clean airline seats;

* Hitting all the right notes and making all the right ornaments when singing;

* Making music and letting my creative juices flow liberally with The Nu-Bees;

* Casual conversations with random strangers;

* Pretty sunsets;

* Whipping up intricate recipes and actually making something out of them;

* Good coffee - even better when brewed by good-looking baristas *wink wink*;

* Going out for supper, all bundled up and shivering, on long winter nights;

* Cheesy pop songs from the likes of Ke$ha, Katy Perry, and co.;

* Putting my entire iTunes library on shuffle and actually getting all the good songs back-to-back on one go;

* Stalking people on Facebook - in a thoroughly non-creepy manner, I might add;

* Tweeting - my newfound guilty pleasure, hence the restless thumbs;

And lastly, putting up this worthless piece of crap on my blog just because I can. *winks*
And because my personal light-bulb moments of inspiration have become as painfully rare as the Giant Panda, regrettably.

Trust me, if I could breed my inner thoughts in a captive environment and put them up on pristinely-decorated exhibits at will, I would.
*slaps self*

So I guess that's about it.
I'm still alive and breathing, at least. My world now consists of late nights, lazy afternoons, countless rejections, and an increasingly limited space of existence I can't get out of.

As depressing as it sounds, it somehow feels like I have nothing to live for these days. Other than my music, and the fact that my lungs are still fully capable of breathing in my daily share of oxygen to sustain me, I honestly don't know what else I should be thankful for.

But I think this deserves its own post, so I'll stop.

Hope you're having a lovely week.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

...since our BIG audition date is, like, tomorrow...

photo courtesy of Jimmy Halim & Mega Halim

...Please kindly cross your fingers and wish us luck.

We promise we won't disappoint. :)

P.S: I'll have a real post soon. Don't kick me.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

...i'm only human and that's my saving grace...

Currently listening to: Halo - Bethany Joy Galeotti

GA717, MEL-CGK, February 2010

Do you remember the last time you felt free, wild, unrestrained, like a bright-eyed child excited to see the world?

You know, that sudden burst of excitement that sweeps over you without warning, ever so abruptly, stopping you in your tracks, numbing your senses. The profound realization that you're in for one hell of a ride, and that you should expect nothing but surprises and more surprises along the way. You know you're scared as hell, but you're far too eager to keep going that chickening out is completely irrelevant. All you wanna do is get out there and move forward, because you're young and free - your dreams fresh and brave, and all the secrets of world is at your feet, waiting to be discovered, witnessed through a pair of sparkling innocent eyes.

I used to know how that felt like, a long time ago.

During a time when dressing up meant putting on my uniform. When my sole life-defining mission was to get top marks in class. When the idea of having a great time strictly involved food parties at some fast-food joint, other kids singing "Happy Birthday" at the top of their - or should I say our - tiny lungs, and a cake - somehow there was always a cake. When the words "I like you" still meant "Let's be friends!" and not "Let's bunk together and do kinky things we'll probably regret tomorrow morning". And when the only possible cause for my personal end-of-days scenario was a big fat red FAIL scribbled across my report card.

The seemingly-endless race for academic excellence, one level after another, was all I ever knew; I had no idea who I wanted to be in the future, nor did I even care. The remote possibility of having to grow up and leave this jungle of limitless fun was ridiculous to the point of being completely unthinkable. I thought there was absolutely no need for me to grow up if this version of the world could linger forever. Little did I know that this childish notion hadn't even the slightest chance to prevail in real life.

My inner social circle was made up of myself and two other amazing kids. One was a talented albeit mischievous basketball-jock-to-be whom I had been friends with ever since he was born, the other a tomboy, curly-haired, guitar-strumming girl with a smile as bright as the afternoon sun. My weekdays with them consisted of comparing lunch boxes and copying each other's homeworks, my weekends of PlayStation matches, pulling pranks on the jock-to-be's twin brothers, and catching tadpoles at a nearby drainage channel. Then we grew a little older, and our definition of weekend fun grew up along with us; the PlayStation games and tadpole-hunting soon got old, so we turned to street basketball and evening guitar sessions instead.

Nothing else mattered to us back then. Life was good as long as we had each other. Though the sun might go down and yet another week would lurk round the corner, eager to bring us down, we knew we would still be here next week, and the week after, and the week after that, passing our ball and playing our songs and singing our tunes like there was no tomorrow.

Just now I browsed through our collection of old photos, and it was then that I finally realized just how genuinely happy we were, with our cheeky grins, our sweaty foreheads, and our mud-stained T-shirts, all blurring into one.

When you're a kid, you don't know what lies ahead of you. And neither should you, for innocence is precious only because it cannot be preserved. There's no turning back once you start thinking things over and stop being indifferent towards the rest of your life. When you let go of the blissful ignorance of youth, you let that happy kid in you go along with it. And trust me, you're gonna spend your days after that desperately wanting to get it back, but you can't.
Because reality bites you, HARD, until you bleed with regret.

The memory of having that kind of exhilarant, mind-blowing feeling flashes by but doesn't stay with me now. The innocence is long gone, with constant suspicion and endless doubt now taking its place. And I'm left feeling... disconnected.

I had a great childhood, that I can't deny.
These photos serve as a vivid reminder of that.

I just wished those sparkling pair of innocent eyes that once framed my universe could somehow come back and help me see things clearly, once again.

Remind me how it feels like to be young, and wild, and free.
'Cuz right now, I'm finding it hard to remember.