Saturday, May 31, 2008

...we've got some straightening out to do...

Glen Waverley Station Bus-Stop, May 30 2008

Deep-fried fish fingers and seafood sticks with tartar and sweet-chilli sauce for dinner YAY! *jumps around*
Alright that would probably make the most unhealthy dinner menu but whatever. I'll live for another day I'm sure.

Oooooyeah. And this is so gonna be a freezing cold night.
Was walking home from the bus loop and my breaths were leaving traces of vapor again. Well not that I'm complaining about that. I just wanted to address my shivering pair of ungrateful legs with a little dose of slight relieving pleasure. *laughs*

I saw this random Chinese guy sitting some few seats away from me when I was on the bus on my way home earlier this evening, and strangely enough, his somewhat nerdy appearances reminded me so much of a particular long-lost friend whose presence used to be appropriately semi-existent sometime during my far-forgotten early-adolescent years.

Well I guess I should take extreme care in avoiding to mention any names here for personal reasons, as I have no idea if this person would approve of me mentioning his name and stripping his perhaps-not-so-shiny history bare for all to see here.
Whew. Go easy on the exaggerating words part, JJ.

But really. After all this time I've gone on with my life and not being in touch with any lingering memory I have of him in any way, somehow my encounter with that random Chinese bloke in that 8:44 PM, 631 Waverley Gardens bus hit me with this instant recall of this very person's presence.

Alright let's together take a slow walk down the memory lane shall we? *winks*

For the record, he used to be this very tall, well-built, ruffly-haired, milk-white-skinned, loopy-smiled handsome guy of Chinese-Dutch descent who happened to be my classmate in one of those boring academic and language-aid after-school classes I took during my junior high school years. Extreme nerdyness alert, don't say I didn't warn you. *sighs*

Anyway, yeah. I remember him as this very unmotivated but surprisingly funny lad. He was really, REALLY quiet when he first started attending the course, often coming late, rushing to the classroom gasping for breath, and sitting at a corner far back after nervously apologizing to the helpless tutor. But then after a while I took the chance and made the effort to start talking to him, asking him to join in my usual discussion-and-hang-out group, even asking him out to join us in our weekend mall-raiding sessions, and in no time we were getting along like old friends. I didn't know that he had his own unique, wacky sense of humor up to that turning point.

I also knew him as a happy-go-lucky, smiley guy who had a strong tendency to skip classes whenever he could so that he could set off to a nearby Internet cafe and spend his time playing online games. Lame, I know, but that was how most young Jakartan teenagers in the early 2000's spent their time obliviously going online in a non-sophisticated way. *sighs*
He was friendly, he was shy, he was random, he got embarrassed very easily, and I remember that he had the most dazzling lopsided smile. He was very popular with girls, especially the ones who were in my class. Well d-duh, go figure, what with his good looks and all. But I guess his utter shyness just drove them away from him.

After all, he was a really good buddy. It was always nice talking to him, cracking at his jokes, taunting him of his clumsiness, laughing at his blushing face, doing all sorts of stupid stuff together as a group. I still remember the days escaping with those friends, including him, to the building's topmost level, just sitting there chatting, enjoying the warm winds and the shining afternoon sun.
And that was all like, what, FIVE years ago?

Damn I feel ancient.
I find it hard to believe that many years had passed since then.

I was quite shocked when one day the tutor told the class that he had dropped out of the course. Apparently his parents caught him skipping classes, and he got grounded or something. Hadn't heard much from him since then. Saw him once or twice, talked briefly here and then, but as days went past we lost contact with each other. And now that I'm living in a totally different continent at the other corner of the world, God knows when we're gonna see each other again.

Oh well.
I never knew that his existence really mattered much to me up till that very moment. On the bus. I guess this just gave nighttime bus-trips a whole different meaning.

Just now I tried looking up his name in the Friendster network, hoping that at least I could get a glimpse of how he would be like today. After a few failed attempts of desperately trying to spell his Dutch surname correctly, I finally found his profile, displayed proudly on my screen. *grins in satisfaction*

From the looks of it, I can conclude that he's still staying in J-Town. He's at uni now, and it's evident that he's gained some few kilograms during his five years of absence from my life. But his old features are still apparent, undoubtedly. I wonder if he's still the wacky ol' handsome joker that he was during his younger years. People change, and I've changed a lot in many aspects, so I guess ideally he would be different, in the sense? *raises eyebrow*

This might sound gay, but I do miss him being around me.
My junior-high-school best-friend used to joke that in an ideal world, she would definitely fall for him if only he wasn't that quirky and clumsy, just because he was drop-dead gorgeous. But then again thank God she didn't end up hitting on him; he would've made a terribly BAD boyfriend. *laughs*

So I guess that's the end of my rant for tonight.
Dear long-lost buddy, wherever you are, if you're reading this, which I'm bloody damn sure you aren't, please do make the effort to contact me, yeah? It would be nice catching up with you somehow, somewhere, someday, if that ever happens.

For the time being, I bide you guys adieu.
Have a pleasant Winter weekend! =D

Monday, May 26, 2008

...if you want to view paradise...

Currently listening to: Pure Imagination - Carl Riseley

I was desperately in need to blog but a moment after I face myself with this usual white-and-grey box of black spaces patiently waiting to be typed upon,
my mind goes blank. I took a pause and focused my bitterness to THAT annoyingly ever-present blinking cursor flickering at the corner, trying to convince myself that getting immersed in all this crazy mess is solely its fault alone.

After all, innocence kills, they tell you. And now I'm basking in the thought that at least tomorrow will be much less frightening if I can just scrap off the little bit of blind foolishness and submission that I have in me and start looking up forward with conviction and pride.

What's worse, I'm feeling a bit light-headed now. Perhaps I've just had a little too much champagne for the night. I was just feeling festive and somehow got the urge to celebrate the occasion the old-fashioned, grown-up way. Drink up, drink up, drink up.

It's funny, really, how time and sharply declining frequency can subconsciously erode my drinking capacity, not that this is actually something worth getting stressed out about. It may now be a little harder for me to stay sober after a long-long night, but that's about it. I guess my liver and kidneys should be doing their winning dance of salvation by now.

Yet I'm really grateful that the very one problem that's been bugging me all week long is now solved, or at least settled. It took me more than courage and logic to finally start the life-defining conversation. It cost me my integrity, my crumbling walls of defense, and my idealistic excuse of a supposedly mature guy with a clear head and an indifferent heart.

Maybe I just miss you more, much much more than I thought I would be.
And your sincere tears just now made me realize this one thing. That I wasn't betrayed, or disregarded, or left to fight alone. I wasn't neglected. I wasn't put far behind.

I realized that it all happened because I was deeply cared about.
And that you were just as sad and afraid to bravely be able to let me go.

Now I promise you. I promise myself. That I won't be too far away.
I won't be around, at least for a while. But you know that I will always be one message away. One phonecall away. One on-foot-trip away. One knock-on-the-door away.
Whatever you like.

Thank you very much for all the memories. For all the great things, great moments we've shared together.
The term 'best friend' really understates you. Yet forgive this childish, inarticulate self-centered bastard for having given you all this pain you've had to endure.

One thing's for certain, and I know this much is true.
You will still be the one little miss sunshine I will always think and care about.

Forgive me...?

...Oh well.
, people.

Friday, May 23, 2008

...everytime you see me what do you see?...

Currently listening to: U Make Me Wanna - Blue

I feel like swearing, honestly.
But I'll try to make this post as moderately PG-13 as possible.

Today was freezing. So frikkin' cold that my exhaled outtakes of breaths left apparent traces of air vapor as I braved the night outside when walking home from the bus loop. As much as I enjoy having Winter once again alive and frosting all around me, I have to admit that today I wasn't particularly prepared for the twilight strikes of extreme cold. *shivers*

So, if today you've happened to come across this big fat dumb brown-jacketed piano-scarfed adidas-bagged obese bunch of a loser making his way all around Melbourne looking like he was feeling sorry for himself, please do show some mercy and just laugh a little for me. That would spare me enough integrity that I will need to get through at the end of the day.

I don't even know why now I even bother sitting here typing away, making silly fun of myself as I rant my troubles away acting like I don't really care.
Oh well.

My room has been irrevocably warm these last couple of hours, even though I've been trying to let go of some of the excess heat by sliding my windows wide open. Perfectly suitable for a freezing Winter night like this, but not okay for my wounded soul.

Seems like I'm currently on a rage against all sorts of positivity.
Traumatized? Definitely. Over-dramatic? Perhaps, just a little bit.

The only form of noise disrupting the bitter silence is my iTunes playing old track by old track sung nostalgically by Blue. For the record, Lee Ryan rocks my world, I tell you. His voice is like fucken amazing. *blinks*
My mind flashes back to those memories of youth; of how I was crazy, and naughty, and blindly happy, with daily life soundtracks revolving around cheesy boybands and bubblegum popstars. Just being the person I was, feeling as if I owned the world with all its treasures.

Why do I feel that I don't deserve such feelings of blind happiness anymore?
Like, now I know that everything comes with a price. And that you can't put your trust too much on something, or someone, 'cuz I'm bloody damn sure in the end you're just gonna end up as the one getting hurt.

Welcome to the real world, they say. And I've gladly let myself in.

I've promised myself not to be fooled by all that are superficial. I will protect my heart, and I will choose not to love initially. Because I know, some people just don't deserve to be loved.

I swear I ain't gonna waste my precious time and energy crying over spilled milk. The spots are wiped off clean, the stains are all washed out; now it's time for me to start over, braver, smarter, and stronger than before.

And I wish, I sincerely wish, that tomorrow's Winter fog will be able to cheer me up.
A little bit of selfish pampering won't hurt.

Have a good night, people.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

...a standing ovation?...

Currently listening to: Take A Bow - Rihanna

Dear ol' Melbourne's been uncharacteristically cold and windy these days.
It's full-on eight degrees outside, according to my ever-reliable weather-forecast desktop widget. Not too common for a mid-May Autumn day, obviously. And just as much as I had hoped that early Winter could cheer me up, I find it futile to even try and enjoy the day.

Crazy moodswings, I bide you welcome.
I know I will probably let you hang around for a little too long this time. Please do try to make me even more bothersome and self-centered than I already am; that way I may be able to deal with all this just a bit better. Days are long and times are hard, so I guess I'm gonna need your presence to slap me hard on the face.

It feels like I'm contradicting myself, up to a point of disorientation where I'm unable to differentiate between the firm and the fragile. And I just hate it when my sorry excuse of a happy-ending reality tries to blow out the little flicker of happiness I've been desperately trying to keep lit.

Superficiality bites. Because I'm sure I'm not as smart and ignorant as some possibly-more-insightful people might think I am.

They're supposed to know better. Being blindly judgmental to people can blur out the bigger picture. Sometimes people get too awfully narrow-minded when they see the world through corrupted minds and blocked-out eyes. They drown deep into their self-dug pools of short-sighted satisfaction, thinking they've earned their own appropriate shares of omnipresent wisdom, without even knowing that the true filthiness lies deep inside themselves, far closer to home than they would expect, when they think they've done what is right by meddling with other people's business.

I mean, what's the point of fighting when there's really nothing to fight about?
Maybe they've got a point. Maybe I'm just too worn out to say anything right.
I've learned my lesson, and I'm gonna stay put. But I won't let people bring me down; I know I'm far too worthy for that.

So much for utopic honesty.
But I should've known that I cannot please everybody.

I guess now I should just shut the fuck up, tidy up my stuff, put on my coat, put on a fake smile, and brave the raging afternoon rain outside. A steaming-hot cup of caramel latte is expecting me somewhere out there, beneath the gloomy gray sky.

Then I'll know I'll finally feel better.

Monday, May 12, 2008

...maybe it's all just in my mind...

Currently listening to: Maybe - Emma Bunton

Autumn leaves never fail to bring me the blues.
Was sitting on the bus on my way back from Southland just now, looking outside the window when I realized that the season has indeed changed. The scenery was picturesque and beautifully framed, with trees sparkling in red, and leaves falling to the ground.

Sometimes I wonder why there are less red-turning trees growing in the Clayton area; it's strangely unfair, really. And I thought they were all supposed to grow naturally in four-seasonal countries? *sighs*


CliffNotes' version? Today I went to Southland with Jacelyn for some well-earned retail therapy. We took off immediately after I submitted my demented Management essay *jumps around secretly* and spent like most of the day there basically doing the very thing we do best: shop. *wink wink* Our journey basically started at the food court, where we loaded our exhausted bodies with tons of junk food. Then our quest for freedom and happiness began, with favorite stores and interesting outlets as our stops.

There was this very friendly lady from The Body Shop who somehow recognized us when we stepped into the store. That particularly smiley-and-chatty blond lady must have taken her time seeing me unleash my wrath upon all those irresistible Body Shop goodies, grabbing like countless stuff and bringing them to the counter in one single take.

Curious, isn't it, how she actually managed to recognize us from among the crowd?
Well she did mention beforehand that she had remembered previously assisting both me and Jacelyn during our last visit to the store, since we have in fact shopped there before.
Yet my somehow-prejudiced conscience personally believes that she probably thinks of us as these two Asian airheads, two among the few that even have the courage to go and shop at Southland, who are terribly spoiled and intolerably loud when it comes to discussing about products. *raises eyebrows*

Well, not that I can blame her for that. She must've had a very good memory after all. Otherwise, how would you be able to recognize two random customers among millions of others who come to your store to shop everyday? *laughs*

In the end I ended up with quite a lot of stuff to bring home. That includes some Body Shop essentials, a brand-new set of pens, some hangers, and a water-filtering jug, among many. The shopping trips turned out to be quite rewarding, and I feel HAPPY now.

Thing is, I had been feeling severely exhausted and overwhelmed with academic stuff lately, what with all those long nights and sleepless hours laboring for nonsense essays, even feeling THAT severely so that today I just wanted to let it all out and release my inner demons before I actually went crazy for real. And I guess it worked.

Not that I'm actually freed from everything, tough.
I've still got a mini-assignment for MKC2500 and a test for BHS1711 to look out for. But that can wait for a little longer while I try to catch my breath and keep up with my almost-dead social life.

And I promise myself I'm gonna sleep early tonight. *smiles*

Alright I should stop now, pack up my stuff and head home.
Just realized that I probably sprayed a little too much Eternity Summer For Men on my left hand when I was trying perfumes earlier this afternoon. The sweet smell is lingering on my hand and as I type this post I can still faintly smell it. Perhaps I should purchase it while it's on sale now that the season's changed. Should I? *winks*

Have a good week, guys! =)

PS: On a sidenote, I just HATE it when people write 'stuffs' instead of 'stuff' when they write in English. It's like, I dunno, the dumbest mistake you could make; doing that does absolutely nothing in making the lives of ESL Asians any easier. Same thing as writing 'staffs' instead of 'staff', or 'advices' instead of 'advice'. Plurals don't always come with 's'-es in the end, darls. And I hope I can give you guys a good reminder by pointing this out. Well but then again, since a lot of people, especially fellow Asians in particular, are doing that, it may be easier for me just to change my perception and conform to the social standard, if you like. *winks* Tha!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

...we are the bells that never sing...

Currently listening to: Pictures of You - The Last Goodnight

I'm currently feeling so severely unmotivated. *scratches head*

Feels as if all my energy was wasted when working on my previously-demented, now-submitted Behavior assignment. And now that the fifty-percent-worth of sleepless nights and countless library hours is over and done with, I'm left with this cold and lonely hollow space in my heart where that crazy little thing called motivation was supposed to reside and burn.

Well I guess idle periods of post-depression laziness like this would be acceptable in an ideal world. But with a stupid Management essay due next Monday and another assignment for Statistics threateningly looming somewhere around my sanity horizon, who's got time to waste?
Definitely not me. And, truth be told, I'm kinda sick of all this crap.

My already-flowing-with-guilt conscience is telling me to boot and leave West Reading Room straight away, flying into the arms of my awaiting bed of warmth. But I should know better to stay for a while. A little bit of Facebook and YouTube never hurts in excuse for inspiration.

Then perhaps I'll try and get to work after this. *sighs*

It's getting dark outside, though logically-speaking it's nowhere near dusk just yet. I just love how my campus always looks gloomy and romantically lonely when sunset comes, especially when observed from distinct heights like this. Autumn's flying by somewhat earlier than usual, with dearly-missed Winter waiting excitedly round the corner. It won't be long till the sun comes down before it's even five, and I gotta start getting used to it.

I'm sure I'll get to see Max Brenner's signature heater-burn-stands soon enough.
Italian dark chocolate with crunchy waffle balls, anyone? *laughs*

Got groceries to buy, errands to run, presents to wrap, endless stuff to complete.
To make things worse, tomorrow's supposed to be TGIF.
I wonder where lazy days have gone. *tugs at hair*

Oh yeah. That reminds me.
Before I get back to business and unleash my inner ferocious nerd, I kinda feel obliged to share this particular picture with you guys. *wink wink*
I found it on my way to La Trobe University for Ci Eve's graduation the other day. When the rest of the car inhabitants were busy stripping Melway down looking for directions, I let my eyes wander off before I found myself laughing at this very fascinating sign:

There you have it.
When I saw it I was like, "Uhm, rasa chinta? CHINTA? CHINTA, as in chinta lawrah?"

Such a mind-boggling, attention-seeking, super-smart sign, dontcha think? *snickers*
I wonder just how good and tasty and of course how full of love their food might be.

Have a great weekend, everybody. =)

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

...want to but i can't help it...

Monash University Clayton Campus, May 6 2008

*stretches hands out in the air*

Gash. I need to breathe properly for a while.
It's raining cats and dogs outside, as gloomy as it can be, and when I went out just now to fetch my motivation a.k.a a steaming hot cup of coffee, I could feel that the rain's definitely gonna stay for a while. *sighs*

I'm currently stationed inside one of the most horribly nerdy buildings in my campus *hint hint*, carelessly typing away somewhere in one of those elusive, excluded study corners on the 3rd floor of the Undergraduate collection section. I had just got my laptop synchronized with the Wireless Internet connection system that operates within the campus area, and so far it has proven to be very rewarding. Camping in the library *ooops i just blurted out the word!* gets to be a little more fun since then.

But anyways.
The only exact reason why I'm doing this is because my new room still doesn't have a working Internet connection attached to it, at least not yet. Gotta wait for a couple more days till it will be set up for me to use.

Until then, I gotta resort to getting slight shoulder-pain attacks from carrying to and fro this super-heavy electronic cube of civilization more commonly known as Toshiba notebook, and staying till late inside the ever-present library *coughs* hoping my laptop doesn't get infected by stray viruses and the like.

And speaking of my new room...

The house is GIGANTIC, with caps. It's very classic and warm and welcoming and terribly homey. And I gotta tell you that my new dwelling space is like, HUGE. Even the wardrobe is very very very VERY big, seemingly somewhat endless. I used to think that I've got a lot of clothes, yet once I've finished unpacking I realized that even those piles of clothes can't even fill like half of the total space that the wardrobe provides. I was quite amazed by that realization, and when I told Edina about this, she just concluded that probably I would need to shop some more just to fill in the gaps. *winks*

And oh yeah, the housemates are all real nice. Most of them are already in the workforce, and some are finishing their courses in uni. That makes me feel awfully young, in the sense. *laughs* But they're very friendly. I hope I can fit in well and get along with them.

Everything sure takes some getting used to. But I'll be fine.
Thanks a lot for those who've been asking. Really appreciate it. *smiles*

Alright. So that's about it for now.
I need to get started on my demented Behavior essay which is due tomorrow afternoon. *screams exasperatedly*

Plus, I think I gotta wait till all the clouds clear up outside before I can walk home. The forecast just told me that the gray murky skies aren't gonna be particularly friendly for the rest of the day. And it's just my total luck that I don't have an umbrella-ella-ella with me.

So, lates! *waves*

Sunday, May 04, 2008

...and i'll take with me the memories...

Currently listening to: It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday - Boyz II Men

THAT mess *points to picture above* is some of the second half batch of my belongings. They basically comprise of most of the stuff I had reluctantly managed to pack up during the last couple of hours.

The first half is already sitting in miserable disarray *chokes* inside my soon-to-be semipermanent space of dwelling just across the highway. Among some new furniture goodies I bought earlier this evening, still horrifically raw and unassembled as they are lying on the carpeted floor.
I guess tomorrow's gonna be another laborous day of MAJOR undoing, if you know what I mean. *sighs*

So here I am, ladies and gentlemen, the emotionally-imbalanced, caffeine-driven, puffy-eyed, sleep-deprived Asian boy of your dreams, shamelessly blogwhoring his heart out in the wee small hours of the morning like he had nothing better to do. *bows*

Well, sleeping could've been a very feasible option, seeing my bed is already unmade; yet as I am stuck amongst all these misty afterthoughts in the approaching time of a dawn, it somewhat occurs to me that I would need to post something here, to make me feel better, at least for the moment.
And I'm just gonna let this one thought sink in for a while.

...I'm moving outta this room, for real.

It somehow hurts, in a way inexplainable by words, to realize that I'm no longer part of 54 Koonawarra St, officially starting tomorrow. After almost ONE YEAR of memories living under this tiny shelter of welfare and protection. Feels like days have gone by far too quickly, while I'm left trying desperately to reach out and grasp whatever is left of them, sadly, with my bare two hands. Trying to hold on to something no longer existing, something obsolete, something too far gone.

I've been through all the process. I've cleaned up the place. I've emptied the wardrobes, and the tables, and all the spaces around the house formerly belonging to me.
And now that the pain-in-the-arse packing session is almost done and over with, somehow I feel like this is all so... unreal.

I can still remember arriving in Melbourne for the first time, during a rainy night in the middle of Winter, as green as I was, as clueless as I could've been. I remember gazing outside the window as the Monash van made its way along the freeway, talking to the Aussie driver about random things, asking silly questions every now and then, swallowing down every trace of fear and animosity that was trying to bring down my innocent barrier of unknowing confidence...

I remember arriving in the house, shocked by how dark and seemingly desolated the suburb was with its dim lights and silent surroundings. I remember being greeted by my landlords, I remember their warm smiles, and genuine friendliness; I remember replying them with my awkward lopsided grins and tired, empty stares, unable to thank them for being so mindful... I remember eating my first ever meal in Melbourne, I remember the tiring unpacking sessions, I remember the cold, I remember the cryings, I remember not being able to sleep during that very first night because I missed home much much more than I thought I would...

I remember settling down in this room, I remember complaining how this room lacked the sufficient space that I needed, I remember feeling somehow cramped and locked up, I remember memorizing my way to campus, I remember tucking my frostbitten hands into the pockets of my fashion-flawed jackets in the mornings..

And I still remember growing to love this room as it was, simple and boring and unentertaining yet comfy and terribly warm, as homey as it was...

I literally grew up in this room. It watched me grow, it watched me laugh, it watched me struggle with all the hardships I initially had to get used to each and every day. It witnessed my growing independence, my fights, my work, my tears... It was like a good, silent, ever-present friend in times of need...

Yeah. It's been a very good year. And now it's time for me to move on.

Sometimes, it's just so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Hard to say goodbye to those things that you cherish, things that your heart values.
But life goes on, quoting the classics. And there should be no place for regrets.

After all, I believe this is all for the better. Sincerely.
I'm gonna miss living in this room. I'm gonna miss this start and finish line for the past days that had gone. A new journey awaits me, and I gotta move forward. As hard as the first step will always be, I will have to bravely go through with it.

So for now, so long, dear old room of mine.
Thank you for everything. For being patient, for being warm, for just being simple and protecting in this complicated world of conflict.

Your memories will stay. Here. *points at place where the heart is supposed to be*

Whoever's gonna be stopping by next would be so lucky to have you, as I had surely been.
*takes a respectful bow*