...oh, my, god...

Okay, so here's the deal: Why does everybody seem wanting to mess up with my life??
Well, I don't mean to be rude, but, my goodness, please, guys, with all do respect, I'm already fucking GROWN UP now, alright? So can’t you just BACK UP a little so I can have some little space of my own to breathe???
In the last few days I've been questioning about all but one thing: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL AM I DOING HERE?
I don’t know where this something-stupid-called-a-syndrome thing started to get up on me. All I knew is that all of a sudden I was like waking up stuck in my own fucking disorganized world, so absorbed in my incurably burdensome routine that I didn’t even have time to take care of myself. I'm starting to feel as if what I'm trying to achieve now, of all those crazy mess I'm trying to desperately live my life in, you know, all those things I'm chasing and reaching out to are all just a big pack of rotten bullshit. Really. I mean, it all doesn’t mean anything to me in the very very least! It feels like I'm just doing all those laborious stuff out of obligation, and that's about it. I feel--EMPTY. WORTHLESS. You know, like when you don’t really have a clue of what the heck is going on in your life but you don’t actually know what causes all that to happen.
Get my point so far?
Alright, maybe I'm beating about the bush in this. Okay, in short, I'm currently wallowing in a state of HOLLOWNESS.
Bang. That's got me a bullseye, hasn't it?
Sometimes I just lock myself in my room, sitting in front of my desk, staring at another fresh page of my book with a pen in my right hand and a joint in the other. I don't know how many pages I had wasted scrambling countless angry words for nothing. I'm living like a nutter now, perhaps, if not more than that. And I'm not exagerating things here. I'm really clueless of what I'm doing so far. I mean, is it really worth the pain? You know, all those aims in life that I'm bound to achieve?
Oh. My. God.
I really don’t fucking know what to do.
Dear JANE, couz, big sis, honey… oh my god, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your last friendster message!!!! Although I haven't replied it yet (which I'm going to do straight away as soon as I posted this crap), your message really gave me such a HUGE relief! My goodness, I MISS YOU SO MUCH, BABY!!! =) I wish you could be here, by my side, giving me comforting hugs and all… miss u so much, sis…
And to another friendster-message-sender I received today, wow, what a message, dude! Phew… I really don't know what to say… I don't know whether the things you wrote in the message are of the heart or not, since you know very well I'm in no state of believing in you anymore now, but thanks anyway for all the cursing and stuff. I'm gonna explain everything, EVERYTHING, to you a.s.a.p, I promise. But not now, alright? I've got so much to deal with already…
To a special someone out there… I miss you so much right now… I'm hoping for you to appear in my dreams tonight…
To Scotty the Body, so sorry you got eliminated from American Idol… hahaha… but you did a great job, man!! Keep it up! =)
To my coach Melanie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! My God, I've just know last Wednesday that you're still twenty-one!! Hahaha… I'm so incredibly stupid yeah I know…
To Rere, an amazing best friend throughout this hard week… I'm grateful of what you've done to me, really. Thank you so much.
And finally, to all of you guys up there who feel like having that much concern about me and what I do… I'll tell you one thing: STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING BUSINESS. Got it? I appreciate your concern and all, but please, I don't need help from other people until I ask for them, alright? So let me just deal with my stuff first before you guys start to interrupt, okay? I'll really appreciate that, guys, thanks… OKAY??
Phew… what an entry… I guess I'll just stop now… it’s getting late anyway, so I better get to sleep. Oh yeah, tomorrow I'll be doing the recording again (finally!!) so I hope, I REALLY hope, tomorrow can cheer me up. If it can’t do it, if SINGING can’t do it, then I don't know what else can. See yah.

--balthazor66