...feeling like, whatever...

Whew. Another tearful day, I guess. I went through today with my head pounding away like crazy, and I think right now I'm catching a very bad cold. Ergh. Like I haven’t been getting enough miserable moments already. But I guess that's life, after all. It only gets worse when you think you've got enough to deal with yourself. Bastard, I agree. Especially in these times when I feel like a fuckin' crude.

You know what, guys? Yesterday I went out all night and only got back home at like three in the morning. It all began when an old friend of mine asked me to go out with him to some crazy party of his friend's, and because I was having such a hard time mourning over my broken heart, I decided to accept the offer, thinking that the party might at least strip me off my troubles for a while. So I went to a club in the heart of J-Town where the party was held, and basically I just helped myself to start having fun like I used to back in Junior High. All those lamps, those drinks, the raving people firing away on the dance floor, and the wild banging sounds coming from the DJ… Wow, somehow I felt like coming back to my good ol' days!

And I partied. I really did. It was as if my old personality just kicked in and took over me. The old me, the crazy butt-kickin' party animal, started reigning and made me lose control over myself. I couldn’t count how many drinks I had, and how many people I hooked up with. Things just flashed and disappeared in front of my eyes like sets of flickering lights. Next thing I knew the club party was over, and we [that is to say me and my friends] decided to move out to one of our friends' house, where the party continued with some drinks and heavy music. It went on and on and on until one time I got really sick of it and asked my friend to take me home. It was like, what, two in the morning? I don’t know.

Well, I was half-drunk when I arrived in my flat, desperate and alone, my head spinning around and my stomach gurgling like crazy, but I didn’t care. I needed sleep. So I collapsed onto my bed, and fell asleep right at that time, with all my clothes still on. I didn’t even turn of f the lights. As a result, this morning I woke up with a major hangover and directly threw up like mad. The headache stubbornly lingered all day long, even when the hangover had gone. And so I spent another beautiful Sunday with some stupid headache haunting over me like some kind of a ghost.

Whew. Dunno why, guys, but somehow, after all those things I went through last night, I felt much better.

I somehow felt that by doing all those crazy stuff I did last night, I was made much stronger to face my troubles. Even if it's illusive, unreal as it could always be. Partying always feels good at the beginning and leaves nothing but sickening sensations afterwards. But somehow people still want to do it 'coz partying makes you feel comfortable, confident, and happy about yourself, even for just moments. It makes you forget about what's inside your mind and dares you to virtually move on. And that's what I did last night. Going back to the old raving me for a precious moment to let go of all my troubles and just be the hedonistic raver like I used to be far back.

I mean, alright, it's me who's just terribly stupid, terribly senseless and all that… Begging for someone whom I know has had enough of me… Maybe some of you might think that I'm the villain here, the foolish crybaby who hasn’t been thankful enough for everything that comes around… I tell you, yes, I am the villain and the crybaby here… Go on, curse me, insult me, 'coz I know I'm the one who's wrong about this… But tell me now, tell me, how am I supposed to deal with this misery alone??

And worst of all, I still got school tomorrow.

Whew. Get a life, JJ. Holidays are round the corner and I'm supposed to have fun… And by the way, why am I jabbering in English anyway??

Oh, fuck it.

--balthazor66